IS DIVORCE A SIN?

I recently posted a blog on “The promise to never divorce”.  A friend of mine responded to that blog and I posted her response “The other side of divorce”.  The links to these blogs are below.

http://godspromisebook.blogspot.com/2014/04/noelene-curryspassion-in-life-is-for.html

http://godspromisebook.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-other-side-of-divorce.html

In response to these posts another friend sent me an email commenting on what we had written.  He has been happily married to the same woman for many, many years and I asked him if I could share his email and my response to it.  He very graciously agreed that I could.

I found what he wrote so moving and so insightful and feel he expresses and captures the pain of divorce in a very real way.

HIS EMAIL IN RESPONSE TO  ‘THE OTHER SIDE OF DIVORCE’ AND ‘THE PROMISE TO NEVER DIVORCE’:

This is a very good perspective from somebody who has been through the agonising road of divorce. Thanks for sharing. Only one comment from a non writer but I feel this needs to be said, given the comments about having sinned when divorced. So here goes:

Whether we have sinned or not is only for God to judge, not man.

Firstly let me say that I firmly believe and hold onto the ideal that when one marries, it is for life. For better or worse. That is my belief and I am very grateful that I have married a stunning woman who shares this ideal.

 But in many cases, the pain and suffering that people go through in a failed marriage, and the people around them, is a huge burden to carry, and as this person puts it, more harmful than separation. To call it sinful in those cases to divorce is not our call to make. God knows the heart. He knows the person. He knows the circumstances. He loved us into life, he loves us through life and he guides our thoughts and deeds if we let him. Too many people live with tremendous guilt when they get divorced and find it difficult to reconcile this with what they have been taught in catechism. And victims of abuse in marriage and unfaithfulness live with enough of a burden. To have to also deal with getting out of that marriage being labelled sinful is probably even a tougher form of internal abuse caused by the turmoil between what their faith tells them and their situation. The two together are two big reasons abused people cannot bring themselves to getting out of an abusive situation, or leave it too late.

So to people in those situations I say. Be close to God. Live a life guided by His teaching as best you can. When things are tough, confide in Him. When things are going well, thank Him. And when things go wrong, ask Him for guidance, listen to His answer and trust in Him. And the decisions you take when you truly believe they are guided by Him will not leave you wanting. Let Him be the ultimate judge as to how you have lived your life, not man.

MY RESPONSE:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.  For someone who calls themselves a non writer you write with great insight and clarity!
I just want to say that neither my friend or I would ever presume to judge anyone about divorce.  We are far from perfect ourselves and that verse "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"  (Romans 3:23) applies to me on a regular basis!

When I say that divorce is a sin,  I am stating a fact - not judging.  I realise that we can spend a long time discussing the semantics of 'judgement' versus 'factual' but I will try and explain what I mean.  God Himself calls it a sin.  That is a fact.
In Malachi 2:16 God says "I hate divorce"
When we get married we vow before God not to get divorced "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder".  This is a promise that we make to God - breaking that promise is a sin.
Lying, stealing, cheating, murder are sins.  When we say someone has lied, which is a sin, we are not judging - we are stating a fact.  Again we could argue about semantics here!

This is why it is so liberating when God says He will forgive us our sins (when we say sorry to him for breaking our vows of marriage that we made before Him and to Him) and will remember them no more.
There is healing and freedom and a future after a divorce and we don't have to 'carry' that pain and  hurt and guilt with us if we believe in Jesus Christ. (after a grieving process of course).

HIS GRACIOUS RESPONSE:

Love it. Thanks. Totally agree that your comments are non judgmental. My real issue is when people in that situation judge themselves. 

  "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you".  (Matthew 7:1 & 2)

THE OTHER SIDE OF DIVORCE!

A friend of mine who has been divorced and is now remarried wrote this to me in response to my article The promise to never divorce http://www.startmarriageright.com/2014/04/the-promise-to-never-divorce/

I asked her whether I could share it on my blog site and she graciously agreed!

"No criticism but a remembrance of my broken ideals about marriage and wanting to add a balance.
Divorce is a terrible thing  which God said he hated. When couples marry, it is with both their consent. When they later divorce, it is usually the choice of only one person and the other has little choice in the matter. In our fragile humanity we have to know that the promise of marriage can be broken at any time.At times it is also the better of two evils- when there is abuse or serial unfaithfulness.
Divorce causes irreparable damage to so many- children, adults, grandparents. It does not stop after the split has occurred- it continues till the day those affected die. The incredible hope though, for those scarred by it, is that God is the healer of all things. Yes, children suffer, and need  much love as they go through life- many times they need professional support too.However, we also need to emphasise that God understands we will sin and even uses those situations to build character. This character building in both the children and spouses gives them abundant life in areas they could never have dreamed of. It also equips them with skills to walk the lonely road with others who do not have Jesus in their lives.
I think that what I wanted to say is that those who read your blog and are struggling with the issue of divorce must know that God is faithful in every situation. Yes, they may walk through the valley, but He is with them. He has also said in Isaiah that He would be their "spouse". He will be the Mother and Father to their children. They are not without hope.
Praise God that you can tell your kids you will never divorce. Tell them too that they will have to work on their marriages always, putting God first and guarding and nurturing their spouse's spiritual walk with God. Psalm 127 says, "Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain who build it"
God has blessed me with a husband and enriched me so much with what He has taught me. I also have such a heart for those poor people who do it alone."

Yes, divorce is a sin BUT God says in 1 John 9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins ..." and then in Isaiah 43:25 He adds these beautiful words

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" 

Thank you my friend for writing this and allowing me to share it.

Noelene Curry’s passion in life is for couples, not just to stay married, but to be happily married.  In her book God’s Promise for Families she addresses some of the issues divorce raises in families and gives practical advice on how to raise children with a sense of their own value and worth and how to teach them that God loves them and rejoices over them.  She also writes about God’s redeeming love and His ability to restore people and relationships.

http://www.startmarriageright.com/

The Promise to Never Divorce

By Featured Guest

My mother and step-father got divorced after almost 29 years of marriage. She was 79 and he was 81! I had made arrangements with the Sheriff of the Court to meet him at the retirement home where my mom was staying in order to be there when he presented the divorce summons. He told me that in his 44 years of delivering summons, he had never before had to issue one to a 79 year old lady. He added “I feel so heartbroken. To get divorced at this age is so, so sad.” I had to agree with him!

We had tried to shield our children from most of the process but while having breakfast with our 10 year old one morning she asked me “Are ouma and oupa going to get divorced?” and I said “yes.” She then said “Please promise me that you and daddy will never get divorced.”

Over the years our older two daughters had periodically asked us the same question, mainly when one of their classmates’ parents were getting divorced. My instant reply had always been, “Of course not. Your dad and I will never get divorced!”

And yet that morning I struggled with my reply. The enormity of the promise struck me. I thought, how can I promise her something like that? I don’t know what is going to happen in the future! What guarantee do I have that our marriage will last ‘till death do us part’? And then I thought, if I can’t promise her that, everything we have taught her about God and His goodness and His faithfulness means absolutely nothing. So I promised her that her dad and I would never get divorced.

I phoned Steve later, relayed the conversation to him and told him that we could never get divorced. I joked and said we could kill each other but we could never ever get divorced! I then asked him, “How can I make a promise like that on your behalf?”

He didn’t even hesitate, his immediate answer was “I’ve got it covered! You promise her you won’t divorce me and I will promise her the same thing and in that way we are responsible for our own promises and those we can keep.” When he got home that night she did indeed make him promise her that he would never divorce me.

Unbeknownst to me she overheard me telling a friend about what had happened, and I in turn, overheard her happily telling her older sister the next day “Mommy says she will never divorce daddy. She says she may kill him but she won’t divorce him!”

The dictionary defines divorce as ‘a separation’ and separate is defined as ‘to divide.’

This is exactly what happens to children when their parents get divorced–their lives, their minds, their hearts and their souls gets divided right down the middle, split into two parts and a void is created between the two parts. It is as if the egg and the sperm that created them is torn apart. Generally that void is then rapidly filled with feelings of being unloved, feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. The pain and grief of the divorce can turn into bitterness, anger or self-pity or the need to manipulate others. They can either be driven to become overachievers in their need to be accepted or underachievers in the misguided notion that ‘nobody cares anyway.’

The child also often develops a terrible sense of guilt. After all, if their parents once loved each other enough to get married but now no longer care for each other, it must be the child’s fault that the relationship has ended. Totally illogical? Yes, but you are not a child. The child also often starts to wonder whether this will happen to them. Will their parents also stop loving them one day? Or get tired of them? Doubts and fears just flood in and instead of concentrating on growing up and developing, they have to deal with the process of grieving because divorce is a death. It is a death of a family growing up together and the death of a future that was once dreamt of.

The life giving news, however, is that God says “He will wipe every tear” and that nothing, not death nor divorce “will be able to separate us from the love of God” (Rev 21:4 & Rom 8:39).

Excerpt from God’s Promise for Families © 2013 Noelene Curry. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
Image credit: goodluz / 123RF Stock Photo

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FEATURED GUEST: Noelene Curry

South African author Noelene Curry was born to missionary parents who served in Nigeria. Her memories as a child was of moving around a lot and her parents always attending and serving in a church. So it was a complete shock when her mother divorced her father when Noelene was twelve years old. By the time she was fourteen, she had suffered such anger and bitterness that she no longer cried. At fifteen, her mother married an alcoholic, which coupled with the lack of relationship with her father, led her to suffer major insecurities, depression, and discouragement. Through her teenage years she turned to drinking and drugs, and pulled away from building any close relationships with those around her. Despite her parent’s choices in life, Noelene acknowledges the Truth of God that they did instill in her before their lives seemingly shattered. Truths that later would bring her back to her Creator and true Father who restored what was lost and broken. Now Noelene writes to help others who have carried baggage from their childhood into adulthood, to find the strength and courage to parent the way that God has called them to.

SULKING - HERS AND MINE!

One of my least favourite verses in the Bible is “why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3 NIV)

I dislike this verse because God has a way of revealing the same flawed character trait in me that I dislike in someone else!  He will usually allow me to carry on ‘criticizing’ their trait for a few months, but then suddenly, He gives me this flash of insight into myself and I realise that I am guilty of the same flawed character trait.  This has never been more highlighted in my life than with one of my daughters.  She went through a season of sulking and her moods affected the atmosphere in our entire home.

She had a tendency to take everything that happened around her very personally and often perceived herself as being unloved and pushed aside by her friends and family.  After listening to me complain about her attitude for the umpteenth time, my husband asked “Noel, who does she remind you of?” I could not think of anyone and then it slowly dawned on me, that he meant me!  Through much of my life I had felt inferior and unnoticed by others and, when in a group of people, would literally feel that I did not exist, as nobody ever listened to me. I felt unloved by everyone.  Thankfully, as I have grown in my relationship with God, I have slowly started to develop a better self-image!

One morning, I was sitting at my desk wanting to cry as I thought about what had happened the day before. I had allowed my daughter's sulking, unpleasant behaviour and attitude to ruin my entire Sunday.  Anger had taken root in me and my face had become blank and sullen.  Every time she asked me a question or tried to communicate with me, I answered her in monosyllables or was sarcastic, feeling quite justified in behaving this way toward her because her behaviour was just not acceptable.

When my daughter asked me what was wrong, I snapped at her, “Nothing!”

Matthew 7:3 flashed before my eyes“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”  I was horrified to realize that I had been sulking. God revealed to me how my attitude changed when my children behaved in a manner that I disagreed with.  I began to show the same traits that I disliked in my children, and even reprimanded them for their behaviour, even though I was behaving just as badly. 

The poor child did not stand a chance.  All she was doing was imitating the way she saw her mother behaving!  How blind we are to our own behaviour patterns.

Carl Jung said: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”.  I would have to agree.

The next time you are in conflict with your child, consider asking yourself the following questions before responding to their behaviour:

        Is my child’s attitude a reflection of my own?

         Am I allowing my child’s behaviour to affect my own behaviour negatively?

         Does my child see God’s love and grace reflected in me?

I am so grateful that I worship a kind, gracious and forgiving God.

A God of infinite second chances!

As our Father and Refiner, His goal is to see Himself in us, His children.  Let us make that our goal today—to see our reflection in our children—not our own poor attitudes or behaviours, but instead Christ in us, mirrored in them.