GLOSSOPHOBIA - overcoming your fears!

A MIRACLE IN PROGRESS

I suffer from Glossophobia but I am not alone!  Glossophobia is the fear of public speaking and according to psychologists, most people fear public speaking more than death!

If you had attended the service at Mowbray Presbyterian Church this past Sunday morning you would have experienced a miracle because I was the ‘Preacher’.

We have been members of Mowbray Presbyterian church for over seventeen years and I used to dread it when it was our family’s turn to pray in church.  The worship leader would announce that the “Curry family will now come up to pray”.  Steve would get up from the pew, followed by Sarah, Amy and Emma Jane while I remained where I was sinking lower and lower in my seat, trying very hard to pretend that I was not part of the Curry family! 

Our minister phoned me a few weeks ago and asked whether I would speak on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t even hesitate – I said YES.  I immediately broke out in a cold sweat, started having heart palpitations and felt nauseous but I said YES.

I put the phone down and asked God “what have I done?  What am I going to speak about?  What if I make a fool of myself?” and God gave me the same answer He has been giving believers for hundreds of years.  The same answer He gives you when you cry out to Him in despair or panic or fear.  He repeated the words found in Ephesians 2 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”.

It stands to reason that if God has prepared the way for us He will also equip and enable us to do what He has asked us to do.  As I was still sitting there, in shock about having said yes, I realized that God would not have put it on our minister’s heart to ask me to talk if He was not also prepared to equip me to talk.

Shortly after saying yes to preaching, I came across this saying “Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet”.

As a child of God we need to be prepared to say YES to Him when He asks us to do something and then we need to TRUST that He will enable us to do what He has asked.

With my ‘yes’ God was able to start preparing me and equipping me to be able to stand in front of the congregation and ‘preach’.

My all time favourite Bible story of someone saying YES to Jesus is found in Matthew 17.

Jesus and His disciples arrived in Capernaum and the temple tax collectors asked Peter whether he and Jesus paid the two-drachma temple tax.  Peter said that they did.

”When Peter came into the house, Jesus was the first to speak.  “What do you think, Simon?” he asked.  “From who do the kings of the earth collect duty and taxes – from their own sons or from others?’

“From others,” Peter answered.

“Then the sons are exempt,” Jesus said to him. “But so that we may not offend them, go to the lake and throw out your line.  Take the first fish you catch; open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin.  Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours”.

Now Peter could have thought to himself “Very funny! I bet Jesus is just kidding me”.  He could have gone to any one of Jesus followers and asked for the money to pay the temple tax but instead he says “yes!” to Jesus, grabs his fishing rod and heads down to the lake.  If Peter was anything like the rest of us, he was most probably thinking to himself “why am I doing this”.  Can you just imagine his wonder and excitement when he catches that fish and opens its mouth to discover the four-drachma coin.  If he had not said yes to Jesus, and just borrowed the money from someone, he would have missed the incredible miracle of finding a coin in a fishes’ mouth. Jesus could have just produced a coin – after all he had changed water into wine so a coin would have been no problem for Him but He did not.  He wanted Peter to “move his feet”.

So many of us miss out on God’s blessing because we refuse to move our feet. We need to be obedient to God, to listen for His voice and to be faithful to act on it.  However, we have doubts, and fears and feel foolish about doing what Jesus has asked us to do.  It was like me when I said yes to preaching  – I thought to myself ‘what if I make an absolute fool of myself’ and God said to me “I am the one who wanted you to talk.  You are quite capable of making a fool of yourself on your own time but for today I will undertake and carry you through!

IS DIVORCE A SIN?

I recently posted a blog on “The promise to never divorce”.  A friend of mine responded to that blog and I posted her response “The other side of divorce”.  The links to these blogs are below.

http://godspromisebook.blogspot.com/2014/04/noelene-curryspassion-in-life-is-for.html

http://godspromisebook.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-other-side-of-divorce.html

In response to these posts another friend sent me an email commenting on what we had written.  He has been happily married to the same woman for many, many years and I asked him if I could share his email and my response to it.  He very graciously agreed that I could.

I found what he wrote so moving and so insightful and feel he expresses and captures the pain of divorce in a very real way.

HIS EMAIL IN RESPONSE TO  ‘THE OTHER SIDE OF DIVORCE’ AND ‘THE PROMISE TO NEVER DIVORCE’:

This is a very good perspective from somebody who has been through the agonising road of divorce. Thanks for sharing. Only one comment from a non writer but I feel this needs to be said, given the comments about having sinned when divorced. So here goes:

Whether we have sinned or not is only for God to judge, not man.

Firstly let me say that I firmly believe and hold onto the ideal that when one marries, it is for life. For better or worse. That is my belief and I am very grateful that I have married a stunning woman who shares this ideal.

 But in many cases, the pain and suffering that people go through in a failed marriage, and the people around them, is a huge burden to carry, and as this person puts it, more harmful than separation. To call it sinful in those cases to divorce is not our call to make. God knows the heart. He knows the person. He knows the circumstances. He loved us into life, he loves us through life and he guides our thoughts and deeds if we let him. Too many people live with tremendous guilt when they get divorced and find it difficult to reconcile this with what they have been taught in catechism. And victims of abuse in marriage and unfaithfulness live with enough of a burden. To have to also deal with getting out of that marriage being labelled sinful is probably even a tougher form of internal abuse caused by the turmoil between what their faith tells them and their situation. The two together are two big reasons abused people cannot bring themselves to getting out of an abusive situation, or leave it too late.

So to people in those situations I say. Be close to God. Live a life guided by His teaching as best you can. When things are tough, confide in Him. When things are going well, thank Him. And when things go wrong, ask Him for guidance, listen to His answer and trust in Him. And the decisions you take when you truly believe they are guided by Him will not leave you wanting. Let Him be the ultimate judge as to how you have lived your life, not man.

MY RESPONSE:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.  For someone who calls themselves a non writer you write with great insight and clarity!
I just want to say that neither my friend or I would ever presume to judge anyone about divorce.  We are far from perfect ourselves and that verse "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"  (Romans 3:23) applies to me on a regular basis!

When I say that divorce is a sin,  I am stating a fact - not judging.  I realise that we can spend a long time discussing the semantics of 'judgement' versus 'factual' but I will try and explain what I mean.  God Himself calls it a sin.  That is a fact.
In Malachi 2:16 God says "I hate divorce"
When we get married we vow before God not to get divorced "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder".  This is a promise that we make to God - breaking that promise is a sin.
Lying, stealing, cheating, murder are sins.  When we say someone has lied, which is a sin, we are not judging - we are stating a fact.  Again we could argue about semantics here!

This is why it is so liberating when God says He will forgive us our sins (when we say sorry to him for breaking our vows of marriage that we made before Him and to Him) and will remember them no more.
There is healing and freedom and a future after a divorce and we don't have to 'carry' that pain and  hurt and guilt with us if we believe in Jesus Christ. (after a grieving process of course).

HIS GRACIOUS RESPONSE:

Love it. Thanks. Totally agree that your comments are non judgmental. My real issue is when people in that situation judge themselves. 

  "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you".  (Matthew 7:1 & 2)

THE OTHER SIDE OF DIVORCE!

A friend of mine who has been divorced and is now remarried wrote this to me in response to my article The promise to never divorce http://www.startmarriageright.com/2014/04/the-promise-to-never-divorce/

I asked her whether I could share it on my blog site and she graciously agreed!

"No criticism but a remembrance of my broken ideals about marriage and wanting to add a balance.
Divorce is a terrible thing  which God said he hated. When couples marry, it is with both their consent. When they later divorce, it is usually the choice of only one person and the other has little choice in the matter. In our fragile humanity we have to know that the promise of marriage can be broken at any time.At times it is also the better of two evils- when there is abuse or serial unfaithfulness.
Divorce causes irreparable damage to so many- children, adults, grandparents. It does not stop after the split has occurred- it continues till the day those affected die. The incredible hope though, for those scarred by it, is that God is the healer of all things. Yes, children suffer, and need  much love as they go through life- many times they need professional support too.However, we also need to emphasise that God understands we will sin and even uses those situations to build character. This character building in both the children and spouses gives them abundant life in areas they could never have dreamed of. It also equips them with skills to walk the lonely road with others who do not have Jesus in their lives.
I think that what I wanted to say is that those who read your blog and are struggling with the issue of divorce must know that God is faithful in every situation. Yes, they may walk through the valley, but He is with them. He has also said in Isaiah that He would be their "spouse". He will be the Mother and Father to their children. They are not without hope.
Praise God that you can tell your kids you will never divorce. Tell them too that they will have to work on their marriages always, putting God first and guarding and nurturing their spouse's spiritual walk with God. Psalm 127 says, "Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain who build it"
God has blessed me with a husband and enriched me so much with what He has taught me. I also have such a heart for those poor people who do it alone."

Yes, divorce is a sin BUT God says in 1 John 9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins ..." and then in Isaiah 43:25 He adds these beautiful words

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" 

Thank you my friend for writing this and allowing me to share it.

Noelene Curry’s passion in life is for couples, not just to stay married, but to be happily married.  In her book God’s Promise for Families she addresses some of the issues divorce raises in families and gives practical advice on how to raise children with a sense of their own value and worth and how to teach them that God loves them and rejoices over them.  She also writes about God’s redeeming love and His ability to restore people and relationships.

http://www.startmarriageright.com/

The Promise to Never Divorce

By Featured Guest

My mother and step-father got divorced after almost 29 years of marriage. She was 79 and he was 81! I had made arrangements with the Sheriff of the Court to meet him at the retirement home where my mom was staying in order to be there when he presented the divorce summons. He told me that in his 44 years of delivering summons, he had never before had to issue one to a 79 year old lady. He added “I feel so heartbroken. To get divorced at this age is so, so sad.” I had to agree with him!

We had tried to shield our children from most of the process but while having breakfast with our 10 year old one morning she asked me “Are ouma and oupa going to get divorced?” and I said “yes.” She then said “Please promise me that you and daddy will never get divorced.”

Over the years our older two daughters had periodically asked us the same question, mainly when one of their classmates’ parents were getting divorced. My instant reply had always been, “Of course not. Your dad and I will never get divorced!”

And yet that morning I struggled with my reply. The enormity of the promise struck me. I thought, how can I promise her something like that? I don’t know what is going to happen in the future! What guarantee do I have that our marriage will last ‘till death do us part’? And then I thought, if I can’t promise her that, everything we have taught her about God and His goodness and His faithfulness means absolutely nothing. So I promised her that her dad and I would never get divorced.

I phoned Steve later, relayed the conversation to him and told him that we could never get divorced. I joked and said we could kill each other but we could never ever get divorced! I then asked him, “How can I make a promise like that on your behalf?”

He didn’t even hesitate, his immediate answer was “I’ve got it covered! You promise her you won’t divorce me and I will promise her the same thing and in that way we are responsible for our own promises and those we can keep.” When he got home that night she did indeed make him promise her that he would never divorce me.

Unbeknownst to me she overheard me telling a friend about what had happened, and I in turn, overheard her happily telling her older sister the next day “Mommy says she will never divorce daddy. She says she may kill him but she won’t divorce him!”

The dictionary defines divorce as ‘a separation’ and separate is defined as ‘to divide.’

This is exactly what happens to children when their parents get divorced–their lives, their minds, their hearts and their souls gets divided right down the middle, split into two parts and a void is created between the two parts. It is as if the egg and the sperm that created them is torn apart. Generally that void is then rapidly filled with feelings of being unloved, feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. The pain and grief of the divorce can turn into bitterness, anger or self-pity or the need to manipulate others. They can either be driven to become overachievers in their need to be accepted or underachievers in the misguided notion that ‘nobody cares anyway.’

The child also often develops a terrible sense of guilt. After all, if their parents once loved each other enough to get married but now no longer care for each other, it must be the child’s fault that the relationship has ended. Totally illogical? Yes, but you are not a child. The child also often starts to wonder whether this will happen to them. Will their parents also stop loving them one day? Or get tired of them? Doubts and fears just flood in and instead of concentrating on growing up and developing, they have to deal with the process of grieving because divorce is a death. It is a death of a family growing up together and the death of a future that was once dreamt of.

The life giving news, however, is that God says “He will wipe every tear” and that nothing, not death nor divorce “will be able to separate us from the love of God” (Rev 21:4 & Rom 8:39).

Excerpt from God’s Promise for Families © 2013 Noelene Curry. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
Image credit: goodluz / 123RF Stock Photo

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FEATURED GUEST: Noelene Curry

South African author Noelene Curry was born to missionary parents who served in Nigeria. Her memories as a child was of moving around a lot and her parents always attending and serving in a church. So it was a complete shock when her mother divorced her father when Noelene was twelve years old. By the time she was fourteen, she had suffered such anger and bitterness that she no longer cried. At fifteen, her mother married an alcoholic, which coupled with the lack of relationship with her father, led her to suffer major insecurities, depression, and discouragement. Through her teenage years she turned to drinking and drugs, and pulled away from building any close relationships with those around her. Despite her parent’s choices in life, Noelene acknowledges the Truth of God that they did instill in her before their lives seemingly shattered. Truths that later would bring her back to her Creator and true Father who restored what was lost and broken. Now Noelene writes to help others who have carried baggage from their childhood into adulthood, to find the strength and courage to parent the way that God has called them to.

SULKING - HERS AND MINE!

One of my least favourite verses in the Bible is “why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3 NIV)

I dislike this verse because God has a way of revealing the same flawed character trait in me that I dislike in someone else!  He will usually allow me to carry on ‘criticizing’ their trait for a few months, but then suddenly, He gives me this flash of insight into myself and I realise that I am guilty of the same flawed character trait.  This has never been more highlighted in my life than with one of my daughters.  She went through a season of sulking and her moods affected the atmosphere in our entire home.

She had a tendency to take everything that happened around her very personally and often perceived herself as being unloved and pushed aside by her friends and family.  After listening to me complain about her attitude for the umpteenth time, my husband asked “Noel, who does she remind you of?” I could not think of anyone and then it slowly dawned on me, that he meant me!  Through much of my life I had felt inferior and unnoticed by others and, when in a group of people, would literally feel that I did not exist, as nobody ever listened to me. I felt unloved by everyone.  Thankfully, as I have grown in my relationship with God, I have slowly started to develop a better self-image!

One morning, I was sitting at my desk wanting to cry as I thought about what had happened the day before. I had allowed my daughter's sulking, unpleasant behaviour and attitude to ruin my entire Sunday.  Anger had taken root in me and my face had become blank and sullen.  Every time she asked me a question or tried to communicate with me, I answered her in monosyllables or was sarcastic, feeling quite justified in behaving this way toward her because her behaviour was just not acceptable.

When my daughter asked me what was wrong, I snapped at her, “Nothing!”

Matthew 7:3 flashed before my eyes“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”  I was horrified to realize that I had been sulking. God revealed to me how my attitude changed when my children behaved in a manner that I disagreed with.  I began to show the same traits that I disliked in my children, and even reprimanded them for their behaviour, even though I was behaving just as badly. 

The poor child did not stand a chance.  All she was doing was imitating the way she saw her mother behaving!  How blind we are to our own behaviour patterns.

Carl Jung said: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”.  I would have to agree.

The next time you are in conflict with your child, consider asking yourself the following questions before responding to their behaviour:

        Is my child’s attitude a reflection of my own?

         Am I allowing my child’s behaviour to affect my own behaviour negatively?

         Does my child see God’s love and grace reflected in me?

I am so grateful that I worship a kind, gracious and forgiving God.

A God of infinite second chances!

As our Father and Refiner, His goal is to see Himself in us, His children.  Let us make that our goal today—to see our reflection in our children—not our own poor attitudes or behaviours, but instead Christ in us, mirrored in them.  

WHY?

Amy with one of the patients at St Joseph's Home for Children

One of the most common words used in the English language must be the word WHY?

The dictionary defines ‘why’ as follows:  for what reason, purpose or cause?  An expression of surprise, disagreement, indignation”.

The majority of us struggle with the question of ‘why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?”  Incredible that, as I was typing this, my 12 year old came into my office and read me an essay she had written.  The title was “Why?” I listened in amazement as my child verbalized this age old question.

“Why? Why would God make the world if He knew that it would be destroyed?  Why would He make the world if life for some people in this world would be destroyed or hurt for no reason?  For a little child will lose its mother like a lamb alone in a field, hurt and broken inside.  Why?  This child who has done no wrong has now lost its mother.  Why would God let this child suffer?  Why?” (Emma Jane Curry)

Often, the answer to that question has got nothing whatsoever to do with God.  It has to do with bad decisions the government of the country has made, or wrong choices our parents or grand-parents may have made or even the consequences of our own wrong doing. 

God created us because He wanted a relationship with us.  He gave us freedom of choice because, if He had not, we would be robotic creatures unable to form a relationship or interact with Him.

I heard the following story the other day and it highlighted for me the verse “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”. (Romans 8:28)

There was a king who had a devoted servant.  This servant loved the Lord and was continually praising God for His goodness.  The king and the servant went hunting one day and a lion attacked the king.  The servant managed to fight the lion off but, alas, the king lost his index finger.  The lion had managed to bite it off!  The king was really upset and what made it worse was the fact that the servant told him he should be grateful to God for sparing his life.  All the king could think of was the pain and the fact that his finger was missing. He could not believe that his servant was praising God for this so he had the servant thrown into jail.  A few days later the king went hunting and was captured by a tribe who offered human sacrifices to their gods.  The king was bound and laid on an altar in preparation for the sacrificial ritual to begin when the tribe suddenly noticed that he had a finger missing.  This caused great consternation as it was forbidden to sacrifice anyone who was ‘incomplete’. They cut his cords and allowed him to go free.  When he finally made it back to his village, the first thing he did was to go straight to the jail and set his servant free.  He explained to the servant that if it had not been for the missing finger he would be dead. The servant then proceeded to give all thanks and glory to God!  The king listened for a little while and then posed this question, “If your God is so good and amazing WHY did He allow you to be thrown into jail?”  The servant replied, “Because, my king, if I had been hunting with you, I too would have been captured. And when they discovered that you had a part missing I would have been sacrificed in your stead!  Thank God I was in jail!”

We have no idea what the future holds but I do know that our time here on earth is very short compared to eternity! If we accept Jesus as our Saviour we will be spending eternity with God and the things that we experienced here on earth will fade into insignificance.

When the question why besets me I think about the answer Oswald Chambers once gave his wife.  They had just been to visit a friend who was suffering from typhoid fever and was close to death and she asked, “I wonder what God is going to do?”  Oswald replied, “I don’t care what God does.  It’s what God is that I care about”.

When the word why reverberates in my head I hold onto these words that God spoke:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;  and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;  the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior ……Do not be afraid, for I am with you”.  (Isaiah 43:1-3, 5)

EPIPHANY MOMENTS!

A few weeks ago I wrote about having had three epiphany (ah hah) moments in my life.  I had written about my third epiphany moment and after reading the blog someone asked me what the other two had been.

My second epiphany moment happened quite a few years ago.  I have a friend, Penny Joy Day, who is a narrative therapist.  I met her when my children were still very young and over the years I have phoned her up and said “HELP!”

One day Penny listened to me ramble on and on and on about my insecurities about being a mother, my incessant worry over my children and the fact that I ‘carried’ their hurt all the time.  If they were lonely or felt that they didn’t fit in with their peers or if a friend had been nasty to them I would jump in and try and ‘fix’ things or I would try and compensate in other ways for their being hurt or sad.

Eventually Penny stopped me rambling and asked this question “Noel, what do you want for your children?” to which I immediately replied “I want them to be happy!”

AND this is where I had my second epiphany moment!  Penny said “Noel, you cannot want that for your children.  If they never experience unhappiness, how will they know what happiness feels like?  If they never experience failure, how will they ever know the joy of success?  If they were never bullied or hurt or lonely or depressed, how will they be able to develop empathy for others who are experiencing these feelings?”

In other words how will we or our children be able to grow into our full potential as human beings if we do not experience pain, hurt and disappointment.  It is what we do with these emotions that is important.

I realized then that if my children were to grow and develop into compassionate and caring individuals they would need to experience failure, sadness, depression and loneliness in order to appreciate success, happiness, a good mental attitude and to learn the value of friendship.

My responsibility was to allow them to experience, feel and express the full gamut of these emotions.  One of the biggest gifts I could give them was the gift of listening without trying to jump in and fix everything for them.  To advise them, to guide them and then to let them have the freedom to manage and own their emotions.

If I am asked the same question today “Noel, what do you want for your children?” my response is “I want them to grow up with a sense of their own self-worth.  With the knowledge that no matter what happens to them in life they will be able to overcome any difficulty.  I want them to grow up in the knowledge that God loves them and desires the best for them”.

I want them to grow up believing and living the second greatest commandment that Jesus gave us.

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself” (Matthew 22:39)

I want them to be able to love themselves in order that they can love others.

I will write about my first epiphany moment some time in the future!