WHY?

Amy with one of the patients at St Joseph's Home for Children

One of the most common words used in the English language must be the word WHY?

The dictionary defines ‘why’ as follows:  for what reason, purpose or cause?  An expression of surprise, disagreement, indignation”.

The majority of us struggle with the question of ‘why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?”  Incredible that, as I was typing this, my 12 year old came into my office and read me an essay she had written.  The title was “Why?” I listened in amazement as my child verbalized this age old question.

“Why? Why would God make the world if He knew that it would be destroyed?  Why would He make the world if life for some people in this world would be destroyed or hurt for no reason?  For a little child will lose its mother like a lamb alone in a field, hurt and broken inside.  Why?  This child who has done no wrong has now lost its mother.  Why would God let this child suffer?  Why?” (Emma Jane Curry)

Often, the answer to that question has got nothing whatsoever to do with God.  It has to do with bad decisions the government of the country has made, or wrong choices our parents or grand-parents may have made or even the consequences of our own wrong doing. 

God created us because He wanted a relationship with us.  He gave us freedom of choice because, if He had not, we would be robotic creatures unable to form a relationship or interact with Him.

I heard the following story the other day and it highlighted for me the verse “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”. (Romans 8:28)

There was a king who had a devoted servant.  This servant loved the Lord and was continually praising God for His goodness.  The king and the servant went hunting one day and a lion attacked the king.  The servant managed to fight the lion off but, alas, the king lost his index finger.  The lion had managed to bite it off!  The king was really upset and what made it worse was the fact that the servant told him he should be grateful to God for sparing his life.  All the king could think of was the pain and the fact that his finger was missing. He could not believe that his servant was praising God for this so he had the servant thrown into jail.  A few days later the king went hunting and was captured by a tribe who offered human sacrifices to their gods.  The king was bound and laid on an altar in preparation for the sacrificial ritual to begin when the tribe suddenly noticed that he had a finger missing.  This caused great consternation as it was forbidden to sacrifice anyone who was ‘incomplete’. They cut his cords and allowed him to go free.  When he finally made it back to his village, the first thing he did was to go straight to the jail and set his servant free.  He explained to the servant that if it had not been for the missing finger he would be dead. The servant then proceeded to give all thanks and glory to God!  The king listened for a little while and then posed this question, “If your God is so good and amazing WHY did He allow you to be thrown into jail?”  The servant replied, “Because, my king, if I had been hunting with you, I too would have been captured. And when they discovered that you had a part missing I would have been sacrificed in your stead!  Thank God I was in jail!”

We have no idea what the future holds but I do know that our time here on earth is very short compared to eternity! If we accept Jesus as our Saviour we will be spending eternity with God and the things that we experienced here on earth will fade into insignificance.

When the question why besets me I think about the answer Oswald Chambers once gave his wife.  They had just been to visit a friend who was suffering from typhoid fever and was close to death and she asked, “I wonder what God is going to do?”  Oswald replied, “I don’t care what God does.  It’s what God is that I care about”.

When the word why reverberates in my head I hold onto these words that God spoke:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;  and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;  the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior ……Do not be afraid, for I am with you”.  (Isaiah 43:1-3, 5)

EPIPHANY MOMENTS!

A few weeks ago I wrote about having had three epiphany (ah hah) moments in my life.  I had written about my third epiphany moment and after reading the blog someone asked me what the other two had been.

My second epiphany moment happened quite a few years ago.  I have a friend, Penny Joy Day, who is a narrative therapist.  I met her when my children were still very young and over the years I have phoned her up and said “HELP!”

One day Penny listened to me ramble on and on and on about my insecurities about being a mother, my incessant worry over my children and the fact that I ‘carried’ their hurt all the time.  If they were lonely or felt that they didn’t fit in with their peers or if a friend had been nasty to them I would jump in and try and ‘fix’ things or I would try and compensate in other ways for their being hurt or sad.

Eventually Penny stopped me rambling and asked this question “Noel, what do you want for your children?” to which I immediately replied “I want them to be happy!”

AND this is where I had my second epiphany moment!  Penny said “Noel, you cannot want that for your children.  If they never experience unhappiness, how will they know what happiness feels like?  If they never experience failure, how will they ever know the joy of success?  If they were never bullied or hurt or lonely or depressed, how will they be able to develop empathy for others who are experiencing these feelings?”

In other words how will we or our children be able to grow into our full potential as human beings if we do not experience pain, hurt and disappointment.  It is what we do with these emotions that is important.

I realized then that if my children were to grow and develop into compassionate and caring individuals they would need to experience failure, sadness, depression and loneliness in order to appreciate success, happiness, a good mental attitude and to learn the value of friendship.

My responsibility was to allow them to experience, feel and express the full gamut of these emotions.  One of the biggest gifts I could give them was the gift of listening without trying to jump in and fix everything for them.  To advise them, to guide them and then to let them have the freedom to manage and own their emotions.

If I am asked the same question today “Noel, what do you want for your children?” my response is “I want them to grow up with a sense of their own self-worth.  With the knowledge that no matter what happens to them in life they will be able to overcome any difficulty.  I want them to grow up in the knowledge that God loves them and desires the best for them”.

I want them to grow up believing and living the second greatest commandment that Jesus gave us.

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself” (Matthew 22:39)

I want them to be able to love themselves in order that they can love others.

I will write about my first epiphany moment some time in the future!

WHY ARE YOU DOWNCAST, O MY SOUL?

This morning I woke up carrying the world upon my shoulders with David’s refrain running through my mind “why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Psalm 42:5).  I made myself a cup of coffee and went and sat at the bottom of the garden.  As I sat and watched the birds in the garden feeding and listened to their morning songs, the heaviness that had settled upon me started to lift.  I looked at the house that I have been living in for the past 20 years and once again it struck me how true to His Word our God is.  He says in Joel 2:25 “I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten” and in Isaiah 43 He says “Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past.  Look at the new thing I am going to do.  It is already happening.  Don’t you see it?  I will make a road in the desert of your life, rivers in the dry land of your life”.

From age twelve to eighteen I moved every year – sometimes two or three times in a year.  I had one suitcase and a teddy bear and that is all I carried around with me.  Maybe this is where my love of writing developed.  There was no place in my suitcase for any personal ornaments or photo frames so I would write down on paper any sayings or words that struck a chord within me and then stick them to the wall of my room.  When it was time to move again I would take them down and lay them flat at the bottom of my suitcase – they did not take up much space.

From about the age of fourteen I started to long for a home of my own.  That is all I wanted.  A place I could call my own, a place that I could settle down in and make a home.  I once calculated that by the time I reached twenty-six years old I had moved thirty-four times!

I also longed for a family although as I grew older that longing dissipated as I came to the realisation  that I actually did not want to get married or have children.  Who would willingly want to bring children into a world so full of hurt and betrayal?

God says that “He will give you the desires of your heart” and He never forgot that heart’s desire of mine to have a family even though I let go of it along the road of life.

I have been married for 22 years now and have three children and have lived in the same house for 20 years!

I believe God gave me a husband and children in order that I would be able to grow as a person and in my relationship with Him.  It is often through my children that my relationship with God is reflected.  I bemoan the fact that they can sometimes be very thankless for all that is done for them and given them.  They can be disrespectful at times and wrapped up in themselves.

God then reveals to me, not very subtly I might add, that this is exactly how I behave to Him at times.  I take the things He has blessed me with for granted and am often far too busy to spend time with Him or to acknowledge that everything that I have and am is because of Him.

How incredibly disrespectful is that of me to Him.

At other times I stand in awe and marvel at the beauty, kindness, care and compassion my children exhibit.  My love for them overwhelms me and I would willingly lay down my life for them if they were in danger.  I then have a glimpse of how great the Father’s love is for us in that He sent His Son to die on the cross in order that we could have fullness of life here on earth and eternal life with Him.

When my children are hurting or feel betrayed by those around them I long to carry that hurt for them and then I am again reminded of Jesus’ words “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. (Matthew 11:28-30)

At the end of the day I can say as David said “put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God”  (Psalm 42:11)

HOW CAN YOU PROMISE YOUR CHILD THAT YOU WILL NEVER DIVORCE YOUR SPOUSE?

My mother and step-father got divorced after almost 29 years of marriage.  She was 79 and he was 81 years old!  I had organised with the Sheriff of the Court to meet him at the retirement home where my mom was staying in order to be there when he presented the divorce summons.  He told me that in his 44 years of delivering summons, he had never before had to issue one to a 79 year old lady.  He added “I feel so heartbroken.  To get divorced at this age is so, so sad.”  I had to agree with him!

We had tried to shield our children from most of the process but whilst having breakfast with our 10 year old one morning she asked me “Are ouma and oupa going to get divorced?” and I said “yes”.  She then said “Please promise me that you and daddy will  never get divorced”.

Over the years our older two daughters have periodically asked us the same question, mainly when one of their classmates’ parents were getting divorced. My instant reply had always been “of course not.  Your dad and I will never get divorced!” and yet that morning I struggled with my reply.  The enormity of the promise struck me.  I thought “how can I promise her something like that?  I don’t know what is going to happen in the future”.  What guarantee do I have that our marriage will last ‘till death do us part’?

And then I thought that if I can’t promise her that, everything we have taught her about God and His goodness and His faithfulness means absolutely nothing.  So I promised her that her dad and I would never get divorced.

I phoned Steve later, relayed the conversation to him and told him that we could never get divorced.  I jokingly added we could kill each other but we could never, ever get divorced!

I then asked him “how can I make a promise like that on your behalf?”  He didn’t even hesitate, his immediate answer was “I’ve got it covered! You promise her you won’t divorce me and I will promise her the same thing and in that way we are responsible for our own promises and those we can keep.”  When he got home that night she did indeed, make him promise her that he would never divorce me.

Unbeknownst to me she overheard me telling a friend about what had happened, and I in turn, overheard her happily telling her older sister the next day “Mommy says she will never divorce daddy.  She says she may kill him but she won’t divorce him!”

The dictionary defines divorce as ‘a separation’ and separate is defined as ‘to divide’.

This is exactly what happens to children when their parents get divorced – their lives, their minds, their hearts and their souls gets divided right down the middle, split into two parts and a void is created between the two parts.  It is as if the egg and the sperm that created them is torn apart.  Generally that void is then rapidly filled with feelings of being unloved, feelings of unworthiness and inferiority.  The pain and grief of the divorce can turn into bitterness, anger or self-pity or the need to manipulate others.  They can either be driven to become overachievers in their need to be accepted or underachievers in the misguided notion that ‘no-body cares anyway’.

The child also often develops a terrible sense of guilt.  After all, if their parents once loved each other enough to get married but now no longer care for each other, it must be the child’s fault that the relationship has ended.  Totally illogical? yes, but then you are not a child.  The child also often starts to wonder whether this will happen to them?  Will their parents also stop loving them one day?  Or get tired of them?  Doubts and fears just flood in and instead of concentrating on growing up and developing they have to deal with the process of grieving because divorce is a death.  It is a death of a family growing up together and the death of a future that was once dreamt of.

The life giving news, however, is that God says “He will wipe every tear” and that nothing, not death nor divorce “will be able to separate us from the love of God”.  (Rev 21:4 & Rom 8:39)

EPIPHANIES!!

There have only been two major “epiphany” moments in my life – two times when I have literally been stopped in my tracks and have had to re-evaluate the way I think and behave and the consequences of those thoughts and behaviour. 

This morning I had my third epiphany moment!

I struggle with the concept of grace:  ‘the free and unmerited favour of God shown towards man’.  I also struggle with the concept of unconditional love.  The fact that there is no limitation on God’s love for us and that there is nothing we can do to make Him love us more or less.

In the back of my mind I always have this little voice saying ‘who do you think you are to believe that God, the maker and ruler of the universe, would be interested in you?”

As I grow older and my relationship with God develops the little voice has grown fainter but every now and again when I lose self-control and allow the uglier side of my nature to emerge it shouts out “you are such a failure, so worthless!”

I identify so much with the sentiment expressed by Michel de Montaigne, a French philosopher who lived in the 16^th century when he said “I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself”.

Well, my third epiphany occurred this morning when I read the following words:

 “Why are you downcast, O my soul?” (Psalm 43:5)

Is there ever any reason to be downcast?  Actually, there are two reasons, but only two.  If we were still unbelievers, we would have a reason to be downcast; or if we have been converted but continue to live in sin, we are downcast as a consequence.

Except for these two conditions, there is never a reason to be downcast, for everything else may be brought to God “by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving” (Philippians 4:6).  And through all our times of need, difficulty and trials, we may exercise faith in the power and love of God.”

(Streams in the Desert, L.B. Cowman)

The truth in these words struck me forcefully.  It is when I feel like a sinner that my soul is downcast.  When I know that I am thinking or behaving in a way that does not please God my spirit withers inside me.  When I go against God’s dictate of “love one another” and insist on getting my own way or feel superior to someone or judge someone my soul becomes downcast.

During very difficult and trying times in my life I have known God’s peace and His comfort, the peace “which transcends all understanding” and my soul has not been downcast – my soul has been comforted by His words as I have prayed to Him.

My soul is only downcast when I sin.  It is entirely my responsibility and my choice to have a downcast soul.  As soon as we let go of that habit or behaviour which we know is wrong for us and hand it to God and put our hope in God we will find peace and joy again for our souls.

The problem with that, however, is the fact that it is just so much easier to carry on behaving the way we always have (never mind the consequences!). To change requires a lot of energy and effort but if we persevere we can be confident that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion”.

Good habits result from resisting temptation. --Ancient Proverb

The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. --Samuel Johnson

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!

I have decided that for the next year I am going to wake up every morning and take God at His word!  I am going to LIVE in the knowledge that His plans for me are good. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

I am going to believe that ‘the grace of our Lord has been poured out on me abundantly, along with faith and love’ (1Timothy 14).  I am going to live in the knowledge that ‘the Lord longs to be gracious to me’ (Isaiah 30:18).

The verse that I have chosen to accompany me on my journey is found in Deuteronomy 11:11&12 “But the land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven.  It is a land the Lord your God cares for; the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end”.

Biblically the River Jordan represents freedom from slavery – freedom from bad habits and attitudes.  It represents deliverance and cleansing and is the transition from sin to righteousness.

TODAY I am choosing to cross my River Jordan and to live in God’s righteousness and His grace.  I choose to believe that my sins are forgiven and that ‘God will remember them no more’ (Jeremiah 31:34) AND I am going to stop constantly reminding God of my failures!

My prayer for all of us this year is that we will we live in the ‘land of mountains and valleys (ups and downs, happiness and sorrows, death and life) but that we will remember that this land drinks rain from heaven’ we are living in the ‘land that the Lord our God cares for’ and that we will know that the ‘eyes of the Lord our God are continually on us from the beginning of the year to its end’.

Gods Promise for Families